My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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