There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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