Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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