my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
