It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
