I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
