Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
