Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
