Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
