yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
