and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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