He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
