dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My vagina is officially offended.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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