Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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