I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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