eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
