I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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