I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
