MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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