so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
