One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
