I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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