from now on my penis is your penis
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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