I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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