That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
