this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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