Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
