Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
