Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize