so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize