He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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