Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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