Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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