I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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