Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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