I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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