Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I have tasted many bathrooms
there is glitter all over my balls
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