i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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