I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
