Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i just google imaged poop.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
