I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize