I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
