Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
sarcasm needs its own font
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
