Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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