ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
