Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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