Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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