just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
