this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
