Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
its not stalking. its research.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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