Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize