i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
