it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
