There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
