Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
