I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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