Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
