I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
