I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
