I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
The best revenge is premature balding
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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