you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
