At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
