I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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