i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
a search helicopter?!
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize