my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
