The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
