About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
whose parrot is this?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
