my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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