so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
