I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
